Some things to consider this summer.

Living in SoCal, I see a lot of summer behavior throughout the year. But when actual summer rolls around, there are special things people do that make me roll my eyes even more than normal.

  1. Put your bra straps away.  Unless you are Gwen Stephani circa 1994 or participating in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer (where bras are often worn on the outside of clothes), keep those straps UNDER your clothes. There is a reason they make bras in 892 configurations. Embrace it.
  2. Give your feet a little love.  Summer is the season of exposed flesh and probably none more than feet.  No one wants to look at your nasty overgrown toenails and cracked heels.  Gross. If you can’t afford a professional pedicure, at least trim your nails, slap some lotion on your feet a couple times a day, and run a loofah across your heels now and then.  It will make such a difference.  And I won’t have to gag when I’m sitting next to your nasty feet in a meeting.
  3. Shorts and dresses should cover your ass. It doesn’t matter how rockin’ your body is, this is just dumb.  Why bother putting on any clothes at all?  Just go naked. That will save people the trouble of trying to figure out if your dress was meant to be a shirt or whether you are, in fact, wearing anything on the bottom.
  4. Go easy on the lighter fluid. I can usually tell that summer is coming by the increased scent of lighter fluid in the air.  Barbecue smell is wonderful.  Lighter fluid makes me gag.  You don’t need to use the entire pint of it, a little bit should be sufficient.  Or better yet, get one of those can things to heat up your coals and skip the air pollution.
  5. Think about staying home one weekend. I don’t know about where you live, but where I live the traffic gets insane on the weekends between Memorial Day and Labor Day.  I can’t even go the 20 miles to my parents’ house without having to sit in an hour of traffic on a Sunday afternoon.  Besides, gas prices are insane.  Stay home.
  6. Use a napkin.  People develop this annoying habit in the summer of letting their food dribble down their faces.  It’s like everyone suddenly thinks they’re in a watermelon commercial.  I don’t get it.  Use a fork. Or a napkin. Or your shirt. Just get that drippy stuff off your face. It’s not cute.
  7. Skip the ice in your wine and beer. When it gets warm, it’s understandable that people want cool drinks. This is one very useful function of a refrigerators.  While I am all for ice in tea and soda and mixed drinks, it does not belong in your wine or beer.  Unless, of course, you’re my husband’s aunt from Jersey.  And then you do what you want.
  8. Keep your bike off the sidewalk.  Bikes seem to come out of the woodwork in the summer and it becomes impossible to walk some places. Unless you are five, learn the rules of the road and follow them.  Sidewalks are for walking on.  If you insist on riding your bike on the sidewalk, be courteous to the people walking there.  You have options, they do not.
  9. Sunless tanner is probably not your friend. As someone who tans easily, I should probably not judge when it comes to this but I do.  It’s rare that sunless tanner doesn’t turn a person orange in interesting places, if not all over.  If it is your goal to look like Arnold The Sperminator, go for it.  Otherwise, skip the sunless tanner. I am positive that your natural skin tone is better  that shade of orange.
  10. Flip flops on toddlers are a bad idea. Yes, they’re cute.  Kind of.  But really, I don’t think there is a more impractical footwear choice for small children than flip flops.  A lot of adults I know have trouble walking in them, how do you think your 2 year old is going to be able to negotiate them? Ridiculous idea and an accident waiting to happen for sure.

So there they are, friends.  My tips for navigating the summer.  Now go forth and enjoy the season.

Mama’s Losin’ It